“ERHMAHGAWD.”
That was my first thought. Then hysterical laughter. Which is essentially my only defence mechanism. Where squirrels will freeze on the spot when threatened, I laugh uproariously. And what, you might ask, could illicit this kind of knee jerk reaction from me? Two words. Boudoir. Photoshoot.
Maybe that doesn’t seem so scary to some of you but I instantly envisioned being stripped bare and forced to roll around on a fur rug like some Austin Powers-esque cheese-induced fever dream. This fear was further compounded by the realisation that people I love would end up seeing this including my dad who already jokes that I am indirectly responsible for his bald head and who I don’t want wishing he were blind as well.
And in all seriousness, I had doubts about myself. The last two years have not been the most glamourous in my personal history. I lost my hair, I put on a considerable amount of weight, my eyelashes fell out, my fingernails split and my body has been cut and scarred. I have been changed by my cancer experience and I can’t say I have fully embraced all the aspects of how I look now. Even before all of that, I held a more passable resemblance to Garth Algar than Kim Basinger. I feel a strong connection to Bridget Jones because I too, was not blessed with natural grace. I am not the sort of woman who turns heads in a restaurant, I am the sort that stacks it in front of everyone. And then laughs uproariously.
Even so, I said yes. Before my rational brain could talk me out of it, I just said yes.
That’s how I found myself on a video chat with Tanya Mayfield, the self-styled ‘Female hype photographer’. Who looks nothing like Austin Powers by the way. Tanya exuded positivity. Despite my continued insistence that she did not know what she was letting herself in for, Tanya refused to be daunted by my awkwardness. I briefly wondered if, when we did meet, either she would convince me I wasn’t a total lost cause or I would break her optimistic spirit. Regardless, in that first conversation, Tanya managed to allay some of my fears. She was very quick to assure me that I wasn’t getting myself into some Christian-Grey-red-room-of-pain malarkey and that her approach is softer, more feminine and that I would have full control of how much, or little, I wished to show.
Three days later, I bumbled up her driveway with several sets of underwear in an overnight bag, like some perverted Mario brother. In hindsight, I should have prepared better. There are some very useful tips on Tanya’s website including advice on hydration and having your hair and/or make up done so that you feel glowing and like your best self on the day. Of course, I did none of those things, in fact I drank a bottle and a half of rosé the night before in an effort to calm my nerves and I only remembered to paint my nails 20 minutes before I left the house. I did get eyelash extensions but quite frankly, I am scared of them. I daren’t touch them as it feels like there is something living on my face that I don’t want to upset. But I did turn up, so that at least was a start. And like a control subject in a science experiment, I was really going to test Tanya’s skills.
“Sometimes her sessions feel more like therapy than just a photoshoot, with some clients returning regularly in order to maintain their newfound confidence”
Tanya was on hand to greet me and immediately, I knew I liked her. She has a big, genuine smile and the sort of warm personality Jojo Moyes would write about. She invited me in and presented her studio, which is a purpose-built unit in her back garden. It’s light and airy décor, has a distinctly French bridal vibe that is much more affable than the Moulin Rouge black and red, lace and leather aesthetic I had been expecting. Straight off the bat, Tanya was very upfront about her personal situation and spoke freely about the struggles she has faced with her own insecurities. It put me at ease right away. And although these things are not easy to talk about, especially with relative strangers, Tanya opened a dialogue effortlessly and I found myself sharing my own self-doubts about the shoot like I was a guest on an episode of Sally Jessy in the late nineties. I think I had known her about 5 minutes at this point. Another 5 minutes later and I was changing into a silk cami and stiletto heels, preparing to tetter right out of my comfort zone. The woman has got a gift.
In all honesty, in respect of the first few shots, it’s a good job she has a digital camera and didn’t have to waste any film. I was draped across a chaise lounge resisting the urge to say ‘draw me like one of your French girls’ and trying to suppress my natural instinct to look like I’ve been petrified by a Basilisk every time a camera is pointed at me. With some gentle nudges and the odd reminder to point my toes or stop gurning, I started to relax. The conversation flowed easily with Tanya explaining that although she also has a background in portrait photography, boudoir is her passion. She expressed with enthusiasm that being able to help woman see the beauty in themselves gives her a buzz akin to a good workout. And sometimes her sessions feel more like therapy than just a photoshoot, with some clients returning regularly in order to maintain their newfound confidence. We talked candidly about the way in which women are their own worst critics and that whilst we assume everybody sees the same flaws in us as we do, we couldn’t see those flaws in each other. When I asked why Tanya enjoys boudoir so much, she simply replied that ‘everyone should hold a little confidence in their heart because it helps with so many things in life’. I mean, amen to that.
The session progressed naturally, and we flitted around the room, rearranging the furniture as we went, laughing while Tanya scaled step ladders and flattened herself on the floor in an effort to secure the best angles. The shutter snapped, the lights were soft and although I continued to grit my teeth and complain that I didn’t know what to do with my face, Tanya’s positivity radiated around the room and began to thaw through my uncertainty. The way she engaged with me was organic and coupled with the informal nature of the shoot, I found myself leaning into it. My preconception that boudoir photography is rooted in purely sexual imagery evaporated and as though by osmosis, the idea that the point is to find the beauty in your own skin, began to replace it. I also found it quite liberating. Maybe not for the reasons you think, but because societally we are conditioned to be so protective over our own image. To edit, to filter. We even have camera phones that can remove objects and other people from photos, rewriting the truth of our own experiences. By relinquishing control of my image to Tanya, I felt freedom. I trusted her. I knew she wanted me to feel good about myself, my own fairy godmother working to turn this water into wine.
Two hours and a couple of outfit changes passed faster than this year’s British Summertime (so it would seem) and I realised we were finishing up. Just in time for me to go home, put some joggers on and binge watch the latest installment of Bridgerton- because I’m still a work in progress and not about to act entirely brand new. But perhaps ready to be a little kinder to myself.
Would I have chosen to do a boudoir shoot, if it wasn’t proposed to me? Hell no. Am I glad I did it? Hell yes. And of course, I was nervous about receiving the pictures. Not least because there was the added pressure that they were due to be published. Nothing like a baptism of fire to test your mettle. But Tanya had promised me that I would be sent all the images, so that I could choose my favourites and that there would be plenty to choose from. In that regard, I knew the law of averages would be balanced in my favour.
And whilst I’m sure Clan Hadid are not about to quit their day jobs as a result, I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. I didn’t look at the photos and immediately see the battle scars. I’m not even clenching my fists in any of them. So, if you’re even halfway considering it, I would urge you to check Tanya out at tanyamayfieldboudoir.uk or on Insta @tanyamayfieldboudoir. She is single-handedly waging a war on our collective negative self-image, from her own backyard, and dare I say it, she might just be winning. Join the revolution. Oh, and to my nephews, I know, I know, it’s still gross. Sorry not sorry.